Who Am I?

Super star Beyonce recently released a new album featuring an alter ego. In an effort to remain current and relevant, I too have created an alter ego: Poop, the world's most cantankerous grandpa.



Poop doesn't play trains with his grandchildren; he ruins and savages the track layouts. If he plays Checkers or Uno, he always wins and taunts his opponents. His favorite outdoor game is vicious no holds barred tackle football. He is Poop, the world's most cantankerous grandpa.


He is boisterous and obnoxious at karaoke and dance parties, and encourages the same behaviour from other would be wallflowers. He throws balls at his grandchildren. (Hmmm...)


When he babysits, he makes the boys watch Jerry Springer or Daily Mass. If he takes them to the grocery store, he doesn't buy them donuts. He buys them pomegranetes. He answers all childish questions with "I know you are but what am I?" (Or quickly and almost incoherently, "little baby says what?")


He tells his grandsons that the Tooth Fairy rips teeth from their bloody mouths and Santa Claus died after he ate a rancid Easter Bunny.




He insinuates that Old McDonald has an unnatural relationship with his sheep. (EeI,eeI..OH!)



(That's ba-aaaad.)


He will eventually teach them that it is okay to say "crap" to anyone except teachers, nuns, and priests. (Not that those people can't be full of crap....)





He is Poop, the world's most cantankerous grandpa.
He only shows up on rare occasions. Maybe after a Giants loss, if he misses his nap, or if he had tuna casserole for dinner.


No, I'm just kiddin'. (Remember, I'm a kidder.) Poop never shows up, or at least he doesn't stay long. Pop's grandsons don't inspire that kind of behaviour. They only bring smiles, giggles and pride to Pop. S0 funny, so smart, so adorable............for now.


Maybe when they get older, they'll be somewhat obnoxious, and Poop will evolve. But I really don't think so. I will always love them for better or worse. With parents like Julie and Kirk, their worse won't be so bad.


Still, if the boys were a little less charming, it might make it easier for Geeg and Pop to stay in Florida for longer stretches of time. (Always looking for the silver lining.)


Have a Happy Thanksgiving.