Day of the Iguana

Warm weather has returned to the gulf coast, so naturally I am once again spending a significant amount of time at the beach. I perform my duties as Part Time Beach Patrol Monitor.
One day earlier this week, late in the afternoon, a seemingly nice young couple strolled on to the nearly empty beach. The man was carrying a couple of chairs; the woman was cradling something (a baby?) in her arms.

But that was no baby. She was cradling an iguana.
I immediately went off duty . I don't want nuthin' to do with no iguana.

So this lady takes her iguana down to the shore and puts it in the water.
I"m thinkin' she best be bathing or baptizing that beast; I don't want no freakin' iguana released in my ocean. Lady returns to her beach chair. Alone. WTF?????

As I'm considering my options; leave the beach, sell my condo, the beast looms over a small knoll at the shore line. I take option one, and not so calmly gather my things and head to cocktail hour on my elevated deck. I don't know how fast iguanas move. I don't want to find out.

I have been to the beach since, but I tread lightly into the ocean waters. There are no more iguana sightings; there is no evidence that an iguana has ever been here. (Does anyone know what iguana crap looks like?)

My paradise has been restored, my mind is at ease. I am back on duty. I am currently investigating a large man who wears a bandana and a thong. I don't understand the thong; his ass never even winks at the sun. He arrives wearing a sarong, removes said item and sits in his chair. When he leaves, he discreetly redresses with the sarong, puts on a normal bathing suit underneath said sarong, and departs. Fashion statement? European? Terrorist? I bet he owns an iguana.

Hey, my life is so balanced. Tuesday I give myself a lousy haircut. Wednesday, I get a free cap for donating blood.

And so it goes...........

THANKS AGAIN

We still have over 5 weeks until Thanksgiving. That's good. Nobody knows me here in Florida. That's good too. Thank God (and Willie) Marion and Jude left yesterday.

Had a little mishap while cutting my hair this morning. I was done; I had a given myself just a trim, primarily using the #3 attachment. Then I decided to trim a few missed hairs in the front. Unfortunately, I decided this while my guardian angel wasn't looking, and after I had already removed the #3 attachment.
Oops.

Oh well, Thanksgiving is far off, nobody knows me, Jude and Marion are gone. Plus, I've got a couple of nice caps to wear. So, thanks again Willie. My cup is half full.

Hey, you folks up north; you know your cup is half full if, when you're caught in a terrible blizzard, you're just happy because snow doesn't smell like crap.

My Guardian Angel

Recently, at a Sunday mass, I was struck by a panic attack. My cell phone was in my pocket, not in the car, where I usually leave it when entering a church. Ohhh, the horror, the embarassment if my phone rings. (It plays "This Old Heart of Mine," by the Isley Brothers.) I stewed and fidgited; I received no benefit from the good pastor's sermon that day. I said a quick prayer to my guardian angel, and impatiently waited for an appropriate time to discreetly exit the celebration.

As I gently opened the door to depart, I immediately checked my phone. I silently thanked my angel; the phone was off; it wouldn't have mattered if anyone had tried to reach me. As I walked to my car, it occurred to me that I had displayed little faith in my angel. My fears were clearly unfounded. My guardian did more than just assure that my phone wouldn't ring in church; she has pretty much assured that it will never ring, by blessing me with an almost dormant social life and an extremely limited network of friends and acquaintances. Good job!

My guardian has provided evidence of her care several times lately.

We had home phone troubles. recently. After taking the wrong path by buying a new phone, (It didn't have an answering machine; it had voice mail. What's the difference? I am also somewhat electronically challenged. I'm not going to pay my phone provider $2 a month for voice mail. I returned the new phone.), I determined we would be best served by purchasing a new battery for our old phone. (I had initially rejected this option because the battery costs as much as a new phone.)

SO....................I headed to the local WalMart. However, my bride (probably encouraged by my angel) suggested we go to a furniture store first. On the way to the furniture store, stopped at a traffic light, we noticed a Grand Opening Celebration for ............................."BATTERIES PLUS!"


Too late to make a long story short, (I'm not even half done yet), but we got our replacement battery. Because it was a grand opening, we got a 30% discount, a free t-shirt, AND a free flashlight because the newbie clerk gave us the wrong bag! Thank you guardian angel!

I hope she didn't go to too much trouble for this one. I fear she had this store created solely for my momentary need for a battery. I can't imagine a store that sells batteries, and just a very few plusses, will thrive to be a business bonanza. Still, I will take of advantage of their inevitable "Going Out of Business" sale.

My angel; let's call her "Willie," short for "Wilhelmina," outdid herself this week. As I was walking and profusely sweating one particular morning, (I really should get a handkerchief to wipe my brow) my steps were particularly angry as I ruminated over an unexpected $75 plumbing expense. No doubt about it; I'm going to have to go cheap on a "new" a suit for Sara's wedding. (My old suits no longer fits my newly sculpted physique.) I headed to the local thrift stores.

First store we go to has a nice, dark suit. The jacket fits; the pants, amazingly maybe a little short, but seviceable. (Who owned this suit?) The price: $12.99. But wait,.......there's more.

A small sign in the dressing room announced that all clothes were half price in two days. I returned the suit to the rack. I returned to the store 2 days later and the suit was still there. (Willie had no doubt made it invisible to other short potential buyers.)
Purchase price: $6.49! But wait, ...... there's more.

I know some of you are skeptical of some of my claims; I admit to misdirecting you on occasion, but I swear this is true. Upon returning home and trying on the suit for a skype fasion show, I checked the pockets. Pleased with my bargain, but still disturbed by the plumbing bill, I was euphorically surprised and amazed to find........... a handkerchief in the back pocket; one to use as walk, sweat and ruminate.

And so it goes.............